If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. allathian but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. Problem But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. 5. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. Youve lived together for three weeks. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Who does that? Oh yeah I forgot about that. Ktfran January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Who keeps the dog? Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. ForeverYoung Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. Haha. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Its weird. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. Or stay the whole time? Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. . I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). Those conversations should have happened before. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? ele4phant What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! Bagge72 We just got thru the holidays. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. Im in the same boat. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. True enough, Flake. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. LW real advice. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Yeah.. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? Ann Cannon. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. YES! The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. . June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Yes. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. LW, what everyone else said. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. silver_dragon_girl Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Addie Pray I agree. every place has natural wonders. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. Geocaching!!!! When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. I give up. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. allathian As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. Francine WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Eh. Or pick berries. hops the bus and goes straight home. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. lets_be_honest If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Each It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. Laura Hope For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Play frisbee in the park! Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! They are content with the status quo. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. I agree with you both. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. GatorGirl That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. But come on, man! I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Lindsay (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). All rights reserved. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. LolaBeans I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. Its called enmeshment. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! Pay careful attention to his reaction. Then you need a different boyfriend. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. I have a friend whose husband is like this. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! We were together but doing our own thing. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. Cue unintelligble grumbling. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. Could that be why theyve been there so much? I thought the same thing. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. a lot of people just arent that way. 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